i wish that i could just lie like i'm happy but i cant hide this hurt inside.

i know, i know, i'm like the biggest loser in this whole planet. my life sucks. we've established that. but goddamit. i am all fucked up inside. i am all ffffuckkking fffuccckkedd up.

i cant say anyything rite now. i'll sound like a total bullshit.

aku seorang perempuan yang hanya tahu berangan dan minta yang bukan-bukan. ini satu kejujuran yang aku mampu nak beritahu. sepanjang hidup aku, aku banyak berpura-pura, banyak menipu dan pandai cover line. orang ingat aku hebat dan happy dan hakikatnya aku sangat keliru. aku tak tahu siapa aku patut jadi dan apa sebenarnya yang aku mahu. aku terlalu mudah terpengaruh dengan daki-daki duniawi sampai aku jadi terganggu macam ni. selama ni, ada satu fasa dalam hidup aku where aku pikir, akulah manusia yang hebat dalam hidup ni. dan imagine my surprise when reality bites. aku tidak hebat dan aku langsung tak cool macam yang sangka. aku cuma budak yang tahu berangan dan perasan dia sangat bagus. dunia sebenar aku sangat hambar dan kosong. aku mudah terganggu dengan benda-benda remeh. contohnya, aku rasa sangat sangat sangat inferior dengan kawan-kawan aku yang rata-ratanya belajar dengan scholarship dan di universiti2 terbaik malaysia dan overseas. aku cuma belajar di uni private dangan harta makbapak aku yang tak seberapa. aku sangat malu jadinya. rasa rendah diri. macam aku ni bodoh aje. bukan aku tak bersyukur dengan apa yang aku ada tapi kan lagi best kalau aku adalah aku yang aku angan-angankan? Ya Allah, ampunkan hambamu yang satu ini....... selalu sangat dia alpa dan lupa erti bersyukur. selalu sangat minta yang bkan2 padahal dia sebenarnya tak deserve apa yang dia nak sangat tu...... aku pun selalu ingat aku ini sangat fashionable bila aku adalah seorang yang agak pathetic in terms of fashion. aku jugak tidak hebat dalam berbahasa inggeris macam yang mak sangka. aku sangat pathetic sebenarnya. malah, aku screw up muet hari itu. Allah! Allah! Allah! Aku sangat keliru....... apa yang aku perlu buat untuk fix situasi ini? kemudian, aku jugak selalu berangan tentang boyfriend. aku nak ada bf tapi orang tak nak aku jadi gf diorg. jujur, aku takut aku tak laku sampai mati. HAHA. aku masih sedih tentang diorang, kenapalah kesal ni tak nak langsung luruh? sedih ni tak nak langsung gugur? kenapa? aku tak ada jawapan dan aku dah malas sangat nak fikir. aku tak mahu fikir apa2 dah. apa nak jadi, jadilah. aku pasrah.

i am totally depressed right now. i mean, it's not like i'm suicidal or anything--God forbid--it's just, i should not be handling heavy machinery right now. OMG!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe it. i mean after all these years, after all these fucking damn times, you thought you'd be totally okay and definitely over it, but i am the complete opposite!!!! COMPLETE OPPOSITE!!!! goddamit. i swear i am not in love with him anymore, NO! but it's just 'seeing' him again after all these years, God, it stung. i mean, i practically get depressed over this matter. i mean, God. this is totally ridiculous. i dont love him, but why do i need to feel dissapointed, having the urge to prove i'm-better-off thing to him. i mean, seriously. this is soooooo fucking ridiculous. i mean i screwed up, big time, nobody can do nothing. not even me, i just need to get on real nice and do my very and absolute best. i am tired. maybe it's true, there's a reason you dont get over your first love.

"hati memang sudah melepaskan, tetapi tiada siapa boleh sangkal yang cinta pertama tetap akan ada tempat tersendiri dalam hati kita."

TEMPAT TERSENDIRI doesnt mean SPECIAL.

i was fine and doing okay, until he came back into my life. AND to top it off he just had to kill me. KILL ME. i know he wants us, MAYBE, to be friends, like the old days--DAAAAAAA-----but honestly, honestly, honest honestly, i seriously cant. not really. i mean i can ACT like one. but not really as in REALLY. but his SAYANG is my BEST FRIEND. MY BEST FRIEND, ABSOLUTE BEST FRIEND.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

i love her. i do and even if they do break up--not that i wish they do--i can never in million years to, you know. it would be seriously AWKWARD and DISTURBING. HAHA. this is fucked up.

i am soo depressssedddd right now. i feel lost and scared and i feel like life had betrayed me. but i know, deep down inside, it hadnt, never. ME, the person living it just couldnt handle the LIFE. i mean i believe in destiny and fate and i believe if it is meant to be, it will eventually be. there's reason for everything. it's a blessing in disguise,

EVERYTHING.

in the meantime while i wait for that GUY and doing my best not to screw up while also finding my way, i will just have to shut my eyes ever so tightly to the sight of THEM living happily ever after and stocking up on invisible bandage for my bloody, heavily scarred, super fragile HEART.

life's a shithole, right now.

i have always been AMAZED by people who are unable to remember their birthday. i thought it was crap, i mean who in the world that doesnt remember their own birthday. bulls**t. but turned out, i didnt remember my own birthday, well, that was until my BRILLIANT sister reminded me. i mean, honestly, i dont want to remember my birthday(it's tomorrow by btw). it's not about getting older that bothers me or anything like that, it's just, lately i've been very unstable-emotionally. i dont know. just the fact of AGEING but incapable to be more matured BOTHERS ME MOST. i mean, honestly as i think about it more, the older i get, the more things i think about and more complications appear. i'm always thinking about time, and how i had wasted it, how that how this and what if what not... i'm an underachiever, i can tell you that for sure, and that sucks. believe me. somehow i believe that i am destined for something more than just this. i am capable of a lot more. i know i am. it's just, i guess i am waiting for something... what? i dont even know. and it bother me. i fear that if i keep on waiting i will miss my SOMETHING. i wanna be successful. i wanna be happy. not just waiting and waiting and watching my life pass me by. i am happy, but i can settle for some more.

I'M ALMOST THERE.

okay, fine.

i'll tell. neways, it's been ages, ages, ages since i've last been here. busy. with shit and stuff.

how am i? i'm fine. just a bit...complicated. u noe, the usual shit. college is cool. but lotta work-but all done, just the finals... friends? there's ups and downs... i'm holding on(a thread) about the whole friendship is forever thingy. well, maybe i'm just being overly sensitive. i mean, they didnt mean what they say, or do... whatever. it's just, it hurts to think otherwise. like freaking bloody hurt. like it hurt so bad that u'd take death with a smile, just to get away from it. hah.. now i'm really overdoing it. it was soooo not like that, just...kinda.

i miss 'him'. why is he not here with me now? why? i want him, now now NOW! GOSH, i need him. why? i really feel like a loser on this issue. i mean, it's not that bad right? but but but...stillllll.........i want him. like really bad. NOW!,,,, wait, how can u miss someone u've never even known exist?

i need a health check-physically and unfortunately, mentally as well. i need a spa treatment-head to toe. i need a shopping spree. i need a road trip. i need a whole room full of comics. i need an iMac, iPod, iPhone. i need money for college tuition. i need a better car. i need... a new heart.

sadly, i have all the things i've written above. but not in the same sense, not exactly. but hey, at least i have it. but still, i'm not grateful. what kinda pathetic loser is that? seriously. i need to get my life back on track, for the gazillionth time. SERIOUSLY.

MAKE MORE OR DESIRE LESS.

JUST HOLD ON, MAYBE LIFE COULD BE SWEET.

"the first time you were joking,
the second time i'm still laughing,
the third time i started hurting,
now i stop counting and next time
i'm leaving..."

i dedicate this to a 'best friend'(gag gag). we're not best friends anymore and you're just a close friend. wait, u never even consider me a best friend didnt u? fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you.

memang, sekali aku tak kisah, dua kali aku ok jugak lagi, tapi kalau dah banyak kali.... aku dah tak larat nak makan hati. ye, kau memang hebat, aku yang slow, aku yang miskin, aku yang tak ada orang suka, kau yang bijak, kau yang kaya raya, kau yang semua orang nak jadi kawan. kaulah semua, aku bukan sapa2. HOI! HOI! HOI! sebenarnya kau tu yang hina! luar memang lawa, dalam tak sape tahu. biarlah Allah balas apa yang kau buat pada aku. ops, correction, apa yang KORANG buat pada aku! satu hari nanti biar Allah tunjuk apa rasanya dibuat macam tu sekali.

sejujurnya memang rasa tension. iya, paradise is in our mind and i have yet to discover how to control my mind. bila hati sakit, otak pun boleh jatuh longkang. aduh! apa yang Allah nak tunjuk pada aku ni. kuatkan semangat aku ya Allah. biarlah semuanya berjalan lancar dan sempurna. aku mahu bahagia. aku mahu jadi happy. walaupun sedih juga, tapi biarlah happy tu tetap ada, dan kalau aku sakit hati ke apa ke ya Allah, selagi kau rasa aku mampu, biarkan aku simpan sendiri aje. memang kadang2 rasa tak tahan. rasa mcam tak ada siapa2 dalam dunia ni. tapi aku sedar diri. masih ada iman.

kerja dekat k** sangat penat. macam cibaii. bagai nak tertanggal tangan aku, kaki pun mcam longgar gila. aduh! nak cari kerja lain. kerja yang hari weekdays, macam 5 hari seminggu, gaji lebih 300, dan kalau boleh nak yang duduk aje. jalan sikit2, tak banyak prosedur. ini tak sakit jiwa!!!

ngantok.nak nap jap. tata. until next time.

lama dah rasanya tak menaip kat sini. bukan tak nak tapi tak ada yang nak diceritakn yang worth telling. so tak updatelah. lately(like a couple of years kebelakangan ini...huhu) aku memang sedang berkrisis dengan diri sendiri. even right now. macam-macam tengah 'buat acara' dalam otak aku. macam-macam. lepas tu bila bukak google tadi aku 'ter'taip 'fix my life'. itu maknanya aku nak betulkan hidup aku yang tengah tunggang langgang. sem baru dah start seminggu tapi aku masih dalam mode cuti sem. tambah dengan rasa hati yang macam lauk basi as in rasa yang entah apa-apa. imm dengan hilda dapat upu. hari ni katanya daftar. aku happy untuk diorang. tapi dalam masa yang sama aku tak boleh nak elak rasa rendah diri yang semakin hari semakin membunuh ni.

*aku taip kat sini pun tunggang langgang tak ikut flow. duh...

okaylah. first. cerita duit pinjaman. mara freeze any loan. so, takleh la buat loan mara. yayasan? tak include uni aku pulak. negeri? dah lepas rasanya... president scholarship? result aku taklah empat rata pulak. aduh! mana nak korek duit bayar yuran??

second. kerja part time. jujur ye, aku memang penakut. aku tak berani mintak kerja. boleh jugalah tapi kena tengok jugak. aku nak kerja weekend je sebab aku tahu aku memang susah bab concentrate2 ni. so apply lah kat kfc. gaya macam dapat, tapi sampai sekarang tak contact pun. aku rasa dah putus harapan sikit. tolonglah ya Allah, adalah rezeki aku kerja dekat kfc tu. tolonglah! i really need the money.

third. streching the ringgit. memang aku tengah low on ringgit. nak makan pun fikir lima sepuluh kali. sedih ke? memanglah. tapi aku tak sanggup tak boleh bayar yuran. sekarang ni pun tengah fikir mana nak cari duit nak bayar yuran. jeles betul tengok orang lain makan dan belanja sesedap oren. sedang aku, seringgit pun berkira. mungkin tengah masa aku. nak buat macam mana. bear jelah. ada jugak aku terfikir, kalaulah aku belajar betul2 masa nak SPM dulu mesti tak jadi macam ni. tak ada serabut kepala fikir pasal yuran yang beribu-ribu ribu ribu lemon tu. mesti masuk ipta dan of cos yuran tak mahal macam ni. atau kalaulah aku mohon loan dulu. kalaulah. mesti tak ada macam ni juga. mungkin boleh tolong mak abah jugak. aduh. kesalnya. tapi nak buat macam mana? apa yang boleh aku buat lagi? nak undur masa. fix everything? okay, so maybe you can have a better life if you do it differently back then. like so much better. tapi maybe. maybe. Allah dah beri aku apa yang aku ada hari ini dan ini yang terbaik untuk aku. nak menyesal pun tak guna. just get over it and get on. but after you learnt the lesson. boy, do i learn something!

fourth. kawan-kawan dapat upu. aku happy untuk diorang macam yang aku cakap. tapi dalam masa yg sama aku tetap rasa down. aku belajar dekat ipts yang mahal dan ambil diploma dan akan habis jauh lebih lewat dari diorang. lepas tu kalau jumpa, mesti nak cerita pasal kolej masing2... blablala...wek! nak muntah tau tak! korang happy. kau hapy dengan dia. dia!!!!! ah. yang dah lepas tak payah nak ungkit-ungkit, buat sakit jiwa raga je. sekarang ni kena focus kepada now and later.

fifth. aku yang tersisih. tersisih ke? at least aku rasa macam tu. diorang dah duduk dekat. sepelaung dah sampai. aku anak tekak tertanggal pun belum tentu dengar. lepas tu semua benda nak secret2. aku ni? tercampak kat sg gombak. aku kecil hati, faham tak? aku terasa hati, faham tak?! aku tahu korang hebat. hebat sangat. dan aku cuma habuk yang bila tiup terbang hilang. nak fix macam mana yang ini? senang. tak fikir, tak sakit hati!

sixth. orang-orang cool. she's so pretty and talented. aku? the other way around. kenapa orang lain macam senang aje dan best aje hidup diorang? kenapa ek? apa rahsia? haha. kadang-kadang aku ni memang kelakar. the grass isnt always greener on the other side. lekat dalam kepala!

seventh. i need to kemas barang and move out. i love this house. tapi dah tak boleh nak buat apa. barang barang yang bersepah, rumah yang kotor, badan yang berdaki, baju yang berlonggok tunggu dibasuh, kepala yang serabut dan perut yang berat mintak dikempiskan, aduh. memang resepi untuk buat jiwa dan raga jadi lesu. inilah akibatnya kalau procrastinate berpanjangan.

enough said. need to fix life, ASAP!